Month: May 2020

This week has elevated every anxiety that lay dormant in me. Covid-19 took a backseat to my biggest fear which is that someone I love, could be killed by the police simple for living. I’m an old school girl, from the projects, where police were not exactly our best friends but it was enough of a cliché that they left us alone if we left them alone. Even more difficult, one officer that I knew most of my adolescent years who was quite tough and friendly, passed away this week leaving me questioning, where are all the good ones?

Right now in America, is it open season on black and brown bodies. Our worth as people has habitually been diminished to hashtags, outrage and protests whenever a rogue cop or cop(s) deem it necessary to execute us for simply living our lives as the America dream tells us we can.  WE are being executed while sleeping, while assisting our neighbors, for alleged bad acts (with no level of violence), while driving, while playing, while breathing, while thinking, WHILE DARING TO DREAM or be a part of what is America. I mean, who do we think we are?

Meanwhile, our counterparts are open carrying, spitting on officers, shooting up schools and churches. They are taken into custody without incident. They are given food and water ahead of the anticipated interrogation that will follow. For the arresting officers, that is the “humane” thing to do. With us, it is just another day at the office getting rid of the trash.

We are NOT TRASH. BLACK LIVES MATTER. We are more than hashtags and protests. God has prepared us for this moment. This one. It feels different. People who have not spoken out before, are speaking out. Our sisters and brothers on the other side, are outraged too. The wheels of justice turn slowly, but they turn. This will not be the end. This is the beginning. It had to happen.

War has been declared. We must fight for what is right and fight until we get it! Don’t be a mouthpiece in a conversation.  Be an agent of change. This is our window of opportunity and we must act accordingly and do things correctly for it to stick. Legislature has to change! Our people have hurt enough. I want my husband, my brothers, my cousins, my Dad, my nephews, my sisters, my nieces, my aunts, my friends & most certainly my daughters to always make it home or be safe in their own homes. The price of their life is priceless, and that will never change.

This week, I was ANGRY. I was HURT. I CRIED. I SCREAMED. I watched in horror along with everyone else the life of George Floyd slip away. I witnessed racism escalate but I also watched people come together. Today, I am motivated. I have already taken steps to do my share in seeing that this is not a wasted opportunity for change. More information will be posted on that separately.

“At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.”
– Christine Mason Miller 

It is Memorial Day Weekend and the official kick-off to summer! Normally I would be running around getting my hair and nails done preparing for my annual sister trip which takes place every year at this time. Due to Covid-19 and a few other circumstances, that will not happen this year. The truth is, prior to Covid-19 we moved our trip from Memorial week because of a wedding we were planning on attending in a few weeks in Jamaica. The point however is, this is time for vacation!!!!

All 50 states have opened up in some capacity. People will flock outside and get together because, let’s face it, who really likes being cooped up in the house? I am feeling a mixed bag of emotions that are not quite defined because this is new for me just as it is for you.

The combination of re-opening of the state and vacation blues has me mystified. I don’t want to flood the parks and beaches and engage with individuals and possible infect myself or someone I love. This virus is REAL. People I know and love have DIED from it. Others have thankfully survived. My paranoia, is more of a distrust or suspicion. I get it. The sun is going to come out and shine brightly. People want to go outdoors. I can’t tell anyone how to live their life. I am saying I want to keep living mine. And I will. I miss my friends. I want to see them and socialize. I just think that sacrificing a few months or maybe a year of my life for a lifetime of what we share is worth it.

As far as vacation goes…. I liken it to December approaching. You know when December approaches the Christmas lights and decorations go up and there is a great anticipation of the holiday season impending leading up to Christmas Day. That is how I have been feeling all week and it is a true let down to know that we are grounded for a while. Our vacations are EPIC. I don’t know that I’ve ever defined being depressed about a thing but this may be it.

Whatever you do, however you integrate yourself into getting back to a day-to-day routine, be comfortable with your choices. Don’t feel pressured to move too quickly when you don’t have to (personally, not work-related) and be ok with not being ok. This is unprecedented. The pandemic is not OVER but we will get through it!

Proverbs 16: 9

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.

Can you be trusted? That is a question that has been burning through my heart and my head all week. Is your word your bond? If I had to answer truthfully, I’d have to say yes most of the time but I still fall short. I promised I shared my anxieties with you so I will be transparent in letting you know that this particular subject matter has led me to tears this week.

I know everyone is getting excited that parts of the country are starting to open up. I agree at some point we need to. However, we need to do so responsibly. My point is, we are still in the midst of a pandemic. One where more lives will be lost and the economic suffering has not even taken a full hit. We, the people, are still hurting emotionally.

At the start of the lockdown we promised to check in with each and make sure we were ok. Have you done that? Did you keep your word? Someone somewhere is waiting to hear from YOU. It could be the very thing that changes the course of their day and even save their life. It costs you nothing to be authentic with your word and follow-through with what you say. If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you promise to call, text or FaceTime, then do it!

Depression is real. Anxiety is real. Isolation is real. A well timed phone call or text can change a whole attitude or mood. It makes the receiver feel better and it should make you feel better knowing you connected with someone who may be at a low point. How will you know? THEY WILL TELL YOU. We are all the answers to someone’s prayers just as God sends someone to answer ours.

CAN YOU BE TRUSTED? Will you keep your word when you say I’ll check on you? Will you reach out when that person crosses your mind multiple times to see how they are doing? This is beyond Covid-19 but we are in this moment now.

As always, I like to end on a high note. This week, my thoughts are crammed together in full sentences of emotions. I won’t call this my best writing and I’m ok with keeping it this way. I thought about deleting and re-doing to sound more eloquent but it wouldn’t be authentic. What I will say is, we can be trusted. If I do what I say I will do and look after YOU, and YOU do what YOU say you are going to do and look after ME, that should just about cover it…. The spiritual love circle.

Happy Saturday!

It’s Mother’s Day. I’m a mother, yet it is now the fifth year that I don’t feel like celebrating. I’m wondering if I’m the only one that is suffering from these blues. My daughter is amazing. Even better than that, I have 2 bonus daughters who I have a great relationship with so me being a mom is not the issue. It was the loss of my own mother that sent me into a depression that I now have come to call Mother’s Day Blues. My mother truly was one of my closest allies. I talked to her every day, several times a day. I saw her perhaps 6 days out of 7. Voluntarily. She died from cancer in 2015. From diagnosis to death there was maybe 10 weeks. I had a lot of issues going on at that time that included my own health, a restructuring of my home and a college student at her crossroads. Even today, I’m not sure if I even took the time to fully mourn the loss of a presence that was so big and important in my everyday life. I had to wake up every day the day after she passed and move on as if a HUGE part of my life hadn’t changed. MY daughter was counting on me and in a lot of ways, I failed. Christmas at our house was cancelled. I no longer enjoyed doing the things that normally included my mom and it hit me that I was cheating my own child out of special moments with me because I was having a hard time processing my grief. Today, I am rethinking how I view Mother’s Day. Mothers are the foundation of the world. We are the cornerstone of the family. I have told my daughter that I will be better in considering how she feels in celebrating HER mom, while doing my best to keep my mother’s memories alive. I will not allow the loss of my mother be an anchor that keeps me from appreciating and receiving love from those who are able to give it to me in the present day.

I woke up this morning not really sure where my mind would take me. I had several conversations yesterday after the launch of the site and one in particular stood out in my mind. Generally speaking we talked “physical” relationships between a male and female and when a child may not necessarily witness them, but sense something may have happened or heard it.

For years, my sisters and I did not see the actual abuse of our mother but we could hear it, and it was terrifying. We also had a lifestyle in which we too where be beaten on a regular basis. So what am I saying…children know. At the core of who they are, they know, they may not fully understand, but they can sense something different and it is confusing to them.

It is always easy to tell someone to leave a situation. We couldn’t fathom why our mother didn’t pack us up and walk out. As an adult, I processed her position in a different light. I have a daughter. In one circumstance, a heated argument got out of control and my partner put his hands on me. ONE TIME. I called my mom, the cops, the cousins and everyone else. Then I walked away. For good. Why am I saying this? I want you to know there is always a way out. I contacted my village, and my village came through. I didn’t wait for the second time, no secondary excuses, I bailed. I grew up in that life and refused to keep that generational curse going and you don’t have to either!

This is an area I plan on studying more. Statistics say children exposed to domestic violence are at an increased risk of being abused themselves or being an abuser. STOP THE CYCLE NOW! Talk to your children and create an open dialogue about what is going on.

Psalm 32:2 When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.