Month: January 2021

This is a subject that I have long danced around. As I prepare yet again to attend the homegoing services of someone I love, I find myself wondering why we as individuals have such a hard time walking through the grieving process. Next to love, grief is the strongest emotion we can display. It can manifest itself at many stages of our life such as after the loss of a loved one, a divorce, news of a terminal illness, or any other encompassing loss that tears at the core of who we are. Our ability to process that information is what paralyzes us from moving on.

During my sabbatical I learned a few things about me. I knew going in I had not processed my grief from years past and therefore it was piling up and it would eventually boil over. Grief can kill you. Recent studies have shown that it can cause inflammation that can lead to death or increased blood pressure leading to a heart attack and so on…. I cannot stress how important self-care is.

There is no real process to how you get through your grief. Yes, we speak of the five stages, but they don’t happen in any order and for some they never get to all the steps before more loss happens again. That was me. In the past 6 years, the losses that I suffered, that my family suffered, did not come in clusters of 3. It would be 5 here and there and then 3 more and we’d never have time to get over one service before having to move on the next.

The pain of loss was overwhelming to the point of numbness. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that it felt like they were here today and gone tonight and, in some cases, that was true. On more than one occasion, I had the pleasure of partying with an individual and within a week or more, they were gone. Just like that. Cancer came and wiped-out loved ones within months. There seemed to be no time for processing and preparation. Eerie coincidences surrounding death dates popped up and will forever be a part of my memory.

I know we must suffer loss. This I can accept. I just want to encourage anyone that I can to try and not run away from the loss if you can. No one can tell you how to grieve. Especially when you factor in the circumstance around that loss and what it means to you personally. What I can offer is from experience and hope it blesses someone else.

The therapeutic purpose of grief and mourning is to get you to the place where you can live with the loss in a healthy way. There is no set timetable for grief. Take time to take care of yourself. The “five stages” are just a guide and not designed as a sure-fire plan that you will go through each stage. You may not experience any of those stages and still come through on the other side. The way to do that is to lean on your community.

You must face your feelings, don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Also, look after your physical health, maintaining a good workout and remembering that stress can kill is helpful. Turn to friends and family members, mine stepped up for me in a big way and made me appreciate the relationships that I still have and treasure the lives that are around me. It hurts like hell when one you love is gone however if you close yourself off from those that are directly in front of you, you risk losing precious time with them. Lastly, and most importantly, draw comfort from your faith. God is always in control. He will never leave you or forsake you. It may seem heavy and like it is too much but there is always a bigger design in place.

When my Mom died, one of the ways I was able to accept it was to look at the greater picture that unfolded. A part of me knows that if she had not passed, there were areas of my family’s life that would not have happened, and those things have proven to be great blessings.

There is always a rainbow after the storm. You must be patient and strong and willing to get through it.

I love you all!

Have a blessed weekend.

Keep Me Covered, Someone Needs to Be Laid to Rest Today….

This morning I thought I’d switch it up a bit. A little less doom and gloom and provide some hope and sunshine. Martin Luther King’s birthday always kicks off a “season” historically unspoken with MLK Day following and then Black History Month. I like to go back and look at some of his speeches and read over his documents to see how far we have come or still need to go. This year was no different.
What always strikes me about Dr. King is the great love he had for people that did not love him back. This month, my Pastor is focusing on praying every morning with a series called “What the World Needs Now, Is Love”. I personally used my sabbatical to indulge in self-love and re-evaluate the relationships around me as I felt overwhelmed with grief and needed to pull on the strength of the love of my family, friends, and colleagues.
Six weeks later, I feel much better. When I retreated into my corner to unpack the layers of my life and figure out how to move forward, there was a lot going on. In the world, in my family and on the job. I wanted to stop and hit the imaginary reset button so that I didn’t start a new year with ancient history sitting on my shoulders that had not been fully addressed or managed. I honestly didn’t know where to begin because every inch of my life was accounted for and the idea of pausing everything seemed impossible.
I did the impossible. I loved myself enough to say I wasn’t okay. I called those that were closest to me and told them what I planned on doing and they all fully supported my plans, no hesitation. No one asked any negative questions about work or anything else. 100% love and support instantly. When I advised my employers, same response. And so on… that let me know I had enough of friendship and good credit with individuals that they cared about my well-being above anything else.
During that time off, love made a comeback. It was always there however grief was such a scene stealer that love would hide in the shadows. As I was showing grief to the door, love was walking me through the entire process. It manifested in my attitude, my interactions and how I communicated with others. It helped me to tear down the walls that had been built up and hardened and remember who I am. The one that people had known and counted on for so many years had faded away (at least in my mind) and love was replaced by a feeling of obligation.
Love is an action word. I receive love every day from so many people in so many ways. I fooled myself into thinking that I was reciprocating because I showed up, I kept my word, and I didn’t always complain. I was wrong. When I lifted the cloud of grief from myself, my heart was relieved. Love felt different. It was no longer robotic it was organic as it should be.
With everything going on around me now, it is love that drives me. Love for my husband, love for my children, love for my family, my friends, my colleagues, and those that are hurting. Your joy is my joy, and your pain is my pain. I want us to succeed and to be alright. And we will be. Staying connected and keeping each other uplifted is what will help push us through.
In those same six weeks, as I worked on my personal healing, the world kept turning. You reap what you sow. I sowed new fresh, genuine love and was met with beautiful news and blessings of love and support. The journey doesn’t end here. This is only the beginning.
We have a country that is divided almost in half and hatred is being spewed. Love your neighbor as you love thyself seems harder to do every day. It’s not. Love truly does conquer all. It won’t happen overnight, and we may never see it in our lifetime. Be a part of the solution, not the problem. It takes way more energy to carry negative feelings than be positive.

Have an amazing day!
I love you all!!!

Last year I blogged about self-care. I mentioned I would come back this year and delve into more personal issues one being grief which led me to take a sabbatical that was long overdue. There was a great amount of loss for me in 2020 but also in the years immediately leading up to it that I had not completely been able to deal with because life was happening. Today I wanted to talk about it.

It has been six years today since my Mom passed away. That is a loss that I grieve daily. Once again, I find that I cannot probe into how I feel about that because there are other things happening around me that seem to be not more important, but more in the moment that need attention.

Unless you have lived under a rock this is a week that will be recorded in the history books. The Democratic party was able to win 2 senate seats in Georgia thereby securing the senate. Now the Democrats control the White House, the Senate, and the House of Representatives. Also, this week in what should have been a normal and boring ceremony, Biden and Harris were certified as the next President and Vice President of the United States. Normal and boring it was not. White domestic terrorists stormed the Capitol building in hopes of disrupting the process and left behind chaos, destruction, death, fear, and exposure. I want to focus on the exposure.

Much like when George Floyd was murdered, the world watched America and could not deny the blatant disregard of Black and Brown individuals. We have been exposed on a widescale nature and the genie is out of the bottle. This is America. There is and always have been two sets of standards for how we are reviewed, treated, and reported on and this time, the world watched in horror as the President of the United States openly called for war upon the people he was sworn to serve.

Black Americans everywhere sat back and took to social media with a level of humor and anger. This was not our fight. We saw white terrorists attacking a sacred building and laughing in the face of democracy with the intent to do harm all while able to securely walk away and go home. They did not fear for their lives. They were not met with tear gas or rubber bullets. They were not called thugs or monsters. They were called patriots and the leader of the free world expressed love and support for them. They knew they were covered by their privilege, the privilege of being born white and they relished it. They spread their feces along the floors, walls and halls of the building and took government property. Of the tens of thousands, one of them got shot and died. Only 55 initial arrests were made, 47 for trespassing.

The police were outnumbered by 60 to 1 (it may even be higher). Washington D.C. has the toughest, well trained, and deepest police force in the nation. This is where the heavy hitters are! You have the people who RUN THE COUNTRY there. Why was there no one prepared for such an event where it was broadcasted for weeks ahead of time? I know the answer, you know the answer.

In contrast, in a peaceful protest earlier this summer, with 200,000 African Americans, over 500 arrests were made, tear gas was sprayed, and rubber bullets were flying. The national guard was deployed and there was a police presence so heavy it was unbelievable.

America, much like its current leader, has shown the world who she is all along. This indignant surprise expressed by many is appalling to me. Blacks and Browns have always been treated differently. We are not safe in our homes, we are not safe in traffic stops, we are not safe on the train, we are not safe on the playground. We are not safe being Black!

The audacity of white privilege to getup, get dressed, arm themselves and overtake the Capitol Building. The expectation to make it home and post it on social media is a norm. THIS IS AMERICA. Don’t be surprised it happened. Ask yourselves, how long will it continue to happen?

If they were Black, would the nation care this much? Wouldn’t they be just a bunch of crazy thugs and monsters and not mentally ill individuals? Would we be looking for excuses for their behavior to justify their actions? Would we care if they were former vets, lawyers, doctors, or businesspeople who were radicalized, or would they be just another bunch of niggers to get the death penalty?

This is America.

America hasn’t changed.

America has shown you who she is.

Be safe, I love you!

I pray you are all resting and beginning the new year with fresh perspectives and looking ahead to see how you can make a difference in 2021 and repeat the cycle of years past.

Every year, at 11:59 p.m. so many people eagerly wait those last 60 seconds for the clock to change to midnight and a new day to begin and a new year to start as if that one second of the old year changing to the new year will miraculously wipe away all the previously years problems and reset our lives. Don’t get me wrong…. I love the joyous feeling of a fresh start however let me provide some insight so that by the end of January, we are not right back to where we started, and we can sustain our joy all year long!

I learned a lot from 2020. What seemed so promising at the beginning of new decennium, such a powerful and whole number turned out to be a year of eye-opening experiences that should have us all reflecting on the people we have become. If you are the same person today you were a year ago, you missed a lifetime of lessons!

I learned that GOD is always in control. First and foremost.

I learned that grief needs to be expressed and not suppressed, it will manifest. Don’t let it overwhelm you.

I learned to never say never!

I learned that there are people who will show up for me, no matter what the situation was, to provide support in ways that have been unprecedented to us all because they love and respect our relationship. I, in turn, have made myself available for individuals whom I may have had minimal recent contact with but somehow this year, they needed me, and I was able to be there for them.

I learned that what I thought was important, really isn’t as important as it seemed.

I learned that the most precious gift I have is my family.

I learned to be selfless in ways that I never expected, expecting nothing in return because it mattered more to help someone else.

I learned that I cannot do it all, that I need to take time for myself. I will not break but I have bent and yielded so I had to pause to care for me and that was ok.

I learned that there is still so much hatred in this world, from people I least expected, but love outweighs it all. I will not allow hate to darken my heart.

I learned who my true friends are.

I learned the power of prayer. I have been praying for years. This year, I put God on speed dial, and he came through!

I learned not to take anything or anyone for granted. We can be here right now and gone this evening.

There were many, many things I learned, and I can keep going on. The most important lesson I must say I have learned is understanding myself. I took a hard look at ME and decided to change a few things about me and how I interacted with others. Having the world shut down gave us all the time and space to be reflective and I am happy to say I believe I used my time wisely on many fronts. Time will tell. 2021 will reflect what is in my heart and my relationships and interactions will be indicative of my lessons learned.

We are just getting started. There is much to be done. We still have the pandemic, and the election chaos is still going on for the next couple of weeks. While there are working resolutions for both happening now, these are areas I’m keeping my eyes on so I will be back to talk about it in the weeks to come.

Have a blessed day all!

I love you!