Category: Uncategorized

This is a subject that I have long danced around. As I prepare yet again to attend the homegoing services of someone I love, I find myself wondering why we as individuals have such a hard time walking through the grieving process. Next to love, grief is the strongest emotion we can display. It can manifest itself at many stages of our life such as after the loss of a loved one, a divorce, news of a terminal illness, or any other encompassing loss that tears at the core of who we are. Our ability to process that information is what paralyzes us from moving on.

During my sabbatical I learned a few things about me. I knew going in I had not processed my grief from years past and therefore it was piling up and it would eventually boil over. Grief can kill you. Recent studies have shown that it can cause inflammation that can lead to death or increased blood pressure leading to a heart attack and so on…. I cannot stress how important self-care is.

There is no real process to how you get through your grief. Yes, we speak of the five stages, but they don’t happen in any order and for some they never get to all the steps before more loss happens again. That was me. In the past 6 years, the losses that I suffered, that my family suffered, did not come in clusters of 3. It would be 5 here and there and then 3 more and we’d never have time to get over one service before having to move on the next.

The pain of loss was overwhelming to the point of numbness. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that it felt like they were here today and gone tonight and, in some cases, that was true. On more than one occasion, I had the pleasure of partying with an individual and within a week or more, they were gone. Just like that. Cancer came and wiped-out loved ones within months. There seemed to be no time for processing and preparation. Eerie coincidences surrounding death dates popped up and will forever be a part of my memory.

I know we must suffer loss. This I can accept. I just want to encourage anyone that I can to try and not run away from the loss if you can. No one can tell you how to grieve. Especially when you factor in the circumstance around that loss and what it means to you personally. What I can offer is from experience and hope it blesses someone else.

The therapeutic purpose of grief and mourning is to get you to the place where you can live with the loss in a healthy way. There is no set timetable for grief. Take time to take care of yourself. The “five stages” are just a guide and not designed as a sure-fire plan that you will go through each stage. You may not experience any of those stages and still come through on the other side. The way to do that is to lean on your community.

You must face your feelings, don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Also, look after your physical health, maintaining a good workout and remembering that stress can kill is helpful. Turn to friends and family members, mine stepped up for me in a big way and made me appreciate the relationships that I still have and treasure the lives that are around me. It hurts like hell when one you love is gone however if you close yourself off from those that are directly in front of you, you risk losing precious time with them. Lastly, and most importantly, draw comfort from your faith. God is always in control. He will never leave you or forsake you. It may seem heavy and like it is too much but there is always a bigger design in place.

When my Mom died, one of the ways I was able to accept it was to look at the greater picture that unfolded. A part of me knows that if she had not passed, there were areas of my family’s life that would not have happened, and those things have proven to be great blessings.

There is always a rainbow after the storm. You must be patient and strong and willing to get through it.

I love you all!

Have a blessed weekend.

Keep Me Covered, Someone Needs to Be Laid to Rest Today….

This morning I thought I’d switch it up a bit. A little less doom and gloom and provide some hope and sunshine. Martin Luther King’s birthday always kicks off a “season” historically unspoken with MLK Day following and then Black History Month. I like to go back and look at some of his speeches and read over his documents to see how far we have come or still need to go. This year was no different.
What always strikes me about Dr. King is the great love he had for people that did not love him back. This month, my Pastor is focusing on praying every morning with a series called “What the World Needs Now, Is Love”. I personally used my sabbatical to indulge in self-love and re-evaluate the relationships around me as I felt overwhelmed with grief and needed to pull on the strength of the love of my family, friends, and colleagues.
Six weeks later, I feel much better. When I retreated into my corner to unpack the layers of my life and figure out how to move forward, there was a lot going on. In the world, in my family and on the job. I wanted to stop and hit the imaginary reset button so that I didn’t start a new year with ancient history sitting on my shoulders that had not been fully addressed or managed. I honestly didn’t know where to begin because every inch of my life was accounted for and the idea of pausing everything seemed impossible.
I did the impossible. I loved myself enough to say I wasn’t okay. I called those that were closest to me and told them what I planned on doing and they all fully supported my plans, no hesitation. No one asked any negative questions about work or anything else. 100% love and support instantly. When I advised my employers, same response. And so on… that let me know I had enough of friendship and good credit with individuals that they cared about my well-being above anything else.
During that time off, love made a comeback. It was always there however grief was such a scene stealer that love would hide in the shadows. As I was showing grief to the door, love was walking me through the entire process. It manifested in my attitude, my interactions and how I communicated with others. It helped me to tear down the walls that had been built up and hardened and remember who I am. The one that people had known and counted on for so many years had faded away (at least in my mind) and love was replaced by a feeling of obligation.
Love is an action word. I receive love every day from so many people in so many ways. I fooled myself into thinking that I was reciprocating because I showed up, I kept my word, and I didn’t always complain. I was wrong. When I lifted the cloud of grief from myself, my heart was relieved. Love felt different. It was no longer robotic it was organic as it should be.
With everything going on around me now, it is love that drives me. Love for my husband, love for my children, love for my family, my friends, my colleagues, and those that are hurting. Your joy is my joy, and your pain is my pain. I want us to succeed and to be alright. And we will be. Staying connected and keeping each other uplifted is what will help push us through.
In those same six weeks, as I worked on my personal healing, the world kept turning. You reap what you sow. I sowed new fresh, genuine love and was met with beautiful news and blessings of love and support. The journey doesn’t end here. This is only the beginning.
We have a country that is divided almost in half and hatred is being spewed. Love your neighbor as you love thyself seems harder to do every day. It’s not. Love truly does conquer all. It won’t happen overnight, and we may never see it in our lifetime. Be a part of the solution, not the problem. It takes way more energy to carry negative feelings than be positive.

Have an amazing day!
I love you all!!!

Last year I blogged about self-care. I mentioned I would come back this year and delve into more personal issues one being grief which led me to take a sabbatical that was long overdue. There was a great amount of loss for me in 2020 but also in the years immediately leading up to it that I had not completely been able to deal with because life was happening. Today I wanted to talk about it.

It has been six years today since my Mom passed away. That is a loss that I grieve daily. Once again, I find that I cannot probe into how I feel about that because there are other things happening around me that seem to be not more important, but more in the moment that need attention.

Unless you have lived under a rock this is a week that will be recorded in the history books. The Democratic party was able to win 2 senate seats in Georgia thereby securing the senate. Now the Democrats control the White House, the Senate, and the House of Representatives. Also, this week in what should have been a normal and boring ceremony, Biden and Harris were certified as the next President and Vice President of the United States. Normal and boring it was not. White domestic terrorists stormed the Capitol building in hopes of disrupting the process and left behind chaos, destruction, death, fear, and exposure. I want to focus on the exposure.

Much like when George Floyd was murdered, the world watched America and could not deny the blatant disregard of Black and Brown individuals. We have been exposed on a widescale nature and the genie is out of the bottle. This is America. There is and always have been two sets of standards for how we are reviewed, treated, and reported on and this time, the world watched in horror as the President of the United States openly called for war upon the people he was sworn to serve.

Black Americans everywhere sat back and took to social media with a level of humor and anger. This was not our fight. We saw white terrorists attacking a sacred building and laughing in the face of democracy with the intent to do harm all while able to securely walk away and go home. They did not fear for their lives. They were not met with tear gas or rubber bullets. They were not called thugs or monsters. They were called patriots and the leader of the free world expressed love and support for them. They knew they were covered by their privilege, the privilege of being born white and they relished it. They spread their feces along the floors, walls and halls of the building and took government property. Of the tens of thousands, one of them got shot and died. Only 55 initial arrests were made, 47 for trespassing.

The police were outnumbered by 60 to 1 (it may even be higher). Washington D.C. has the toughest, well trained, and deepest police force in the nation. This is where the heavy hitters are! You have the people who RUN THE COUNTRY there. Why was there no one prepared for such an event where it was broadcasted for weeks ahead of time? I know the answer, you know the answer.

In contrast, in a peaceful protest earlier this summer, with 200,000 African Americans, over 500 arrests were made, tear gas was sprayed, and rubber bullets were flying. The national guard was deployed and there was a police presence so heavy it was unbelievable.

America, much like its current leader, has shown the world who she is all along. This indignant surprise expressed by many is appalling to me. Blacks and Browns have always been treated differently. We are not safe in our homes, we are not safe in traffic stops, we are not safe on the train, we are not safe on the playground. We are not safe being Black!

The audacity of white privilege to getup, get dressed, arm themselves and overtake the Capitol Building. The expectation to make it home and post it on social media is a norm. THIS IS AMERICA. Don’t be surprised it happened. Ask yourselves, how long will it continue to happen?

If they were Black, would the nation care this much? Wouldn’t they be just a bunch of crazy thugs and monsters and not mentally ill individuals? Would we be looking for excuses for their behavior to justify their actions? Would we care if they were former vets, lawyers, doctors, or businesspeople who were radicalized, or would they be just another bunch of niggers to get the death penalty?

This is America.

America hasn’t changed.

America has shown you who she is.

Be safe, I love you!

I pray you are all resting and beginning the new year with fresh perspectives and looking ahead to see how you can make a difference in 2021 and repeat the cycle of years past.

Every year, at 11:59 p.m. so many people eagerly wait those last 60 seconds for the clock to change to midnight and a new day to begin and a new year to start as if that one second of the old year changing to the new year will miraculously wipe away all the previously years problems and reset our lives. Don’t get me wrong…. I love the joyous feeling of a fresh start however let me provide some insight so that by the end of January, we are not right back to where we started, and we can sustain our joy all year long!

I learned a lot from 2020. What seemed so promising at the beginning of new decennium, such a powerful and whole number turned out to be a year of eye-opening experiences that should have us all reflecting on the people we have become. If you are the same person today you were a year ago, you missed a lifetime of lessons!

I learned that GOD is always in control. First and foremost.

I learned that grief needs to be expressed and not suppressed, it will manifest. Don’t let it overwhelm you.

I learned to never say never!

I learned that there are people who will show up for me, no matter what the situation was, to provide support in ways that have been unprecedented to us all because they love and respect our relationship. I, in turn, have made myself available for individuals whom I may have had minimal recent contact with but somehow this year, they needed me, and I was able to be there for them.

I learned that what I thought was important, really isn’t as important as it seemed.

I learned that the most precious gift I have is my family.

I learned to be selfless in ways that I never expected, expecting nothing in return because it mattered more to help someone else.

I learned that I cannot do it all, that I need to take time for myself. I will not break but I have bent and yielded so I had to pause to care for me and that was ok.

I learned that there is still so much hatred in this world, from people I least expected, but love outweighs it all. I will not allow hate to darken my heart.

I learned who my true friends are.

I learned the power of prayer. I have been praying for years. This year, I put God on speed dial, and he came through!

I learned not to take anything or anyone for granted. We can be here right now and gone this evening.

There were many, many things I learned, and I can keep going on. The most important lesson I must say I have learned is understanding myself. I took a hard look at ME and decided to change a few things about me and how I interacted with others. Having the world shut down gave us all the time and space to be reflective and I am happy to say I believe I used my time wisely on many fronts. Time will tell. 2021 will reflect what is in my heart and my relationships and interactions will be indicative of my lessons learned.

We are just getting started. There is much to be done. We still have the pandemic, and the election chaos is still going on for the next couple of weeks. While there are working resolutions for both happening now, these are areas I’m keeping my eyes on so I will be back to talk about it in the weeks to come.

Have a blessed day all!

I love you!

I hope you are taking time to relax and safely spend time with your family. I will be back after the New Year to discuss a bunch of topics that have been on mind! Until then however, relax, enjoy and spread love..

See you in 2021.

Learning to take care of yourself is a must. Today this blog is very personal and not so much advisory. Writing is healing and I need to start my healing process. For the first time in my 30-year professional career, this week, I reached my breaking point. It wasn’t just the work that was overwhelming me, that I can almost do in my sleep. It was the fact that I haven’t truly dealt with my anxieties and grief as well as I thought, and it came knocking on the door ready to collect.

I must wonder when I stopped processing the losses. I’ve sat up these past few nights and have really dug into my past all the way back to when the first major blow hit me, the loss of my Grandfather, at the age of 16. That was devasting to me for so many reasons and such a pivotal moment in my life for others. It changed me. His death and the timing of it really shaped the personality of who I am today and how I interact with others and that is not a cliché. 

Prior to his death we were awfully close, and I spent a good amount of time with him. As a teenager, I used slang language which he did not understand and in doing so I said something about a picture of my mother which he thought I was insulting her, I wasn’t. Our disagreement got heated and I left and didn’t speak with him for several months. I couldn’t take the separation, so I swallowed my pride, went back, apologized, spent the next week in his face and then he died.

Since then, I made it my business to not hold grudges or keep my distance from those that I love. I’ve lost so many loved ones, family, and friends, and I don’t have any regrets. I do feel however in this last year, with COVID-19, like many others, no sense of closure and that has me on edge and reflecting, re-living feelings that I thought I processed.

I’m going to be fully transparent with my woes today so that I can hopefully help somebody else out. Twisting the top on pandora’s box is dangerous but I’m hopeful in my life it will be extremely healing and allow me to recharge and regroup.

Another combination of losses, a cluster if you will, that I have never truly processed happened in 2015. It was a loss of many things, including life. For starters, my Mom died.  As if that was not a big enough blow to knock you down, my Husband came home from Afghanistan after several years on contract work, ON THE SAME DAY MY MOM DIED.  How does one process excitement at reuniting with their spouse and sorrow of losing their best friend/parent?

He came back with his own issues that I could not be fully present to help him with in the immediate and shortly thereafter, less than 3 months, we got a double whammy that I had Lupus and his best friend/brother was diagnosed with colon cancer. His brother was close to me as well. A great support system to me and my Mom while my Husband was overseas. His passing rocked us.

And the losses keep coming…. Since the week of Thanksgiving, I have been informed of 5 deaths. 3 are personal to me. I don’t even want to say how many people have been lost since the start of 2020. At some point, the dam was going to break. Mine just did.

I made the wise decision to take a leave of absence from work to gather myself. I must go back to at least 2015 and process. Then I need to forward to 2017 when my sister and I made back-to-back trips down the turnpike for funerals. I had a birthday party, my 45^th and my dear friend was there. A week and a half later, she had transitioned.  It is a lot. There were so many people.

The anxieties that I worried about with COVID-19 and the election/transition; they are still there. That makes this next step of my journey more intense but not difficult. The hardest thing to do is to step forward and say, I’m not ok.  I did that. Now I’m doing the work.

Pray for me and keep yourselves safe! The world is still turning, and the pandemic is real!

I love you all and until next time….

I have had a serious issue with migraines my entire life. They tend to come more frequently when I’m heavily involved in projects and dealing with stressful situations around me. I’ve had my share of medical treatments and drugs and for the most part, as I have gotten older, I’ve gotten it under control. 2020 has made it resurface in a way that only another sufferer would understand.
We are 26 days away from the end of this year. People are wishing it away as if on January 1st, 2021 at 12:01 a.m. a switch will be flipped, and life will be grand. I know better than to assume that. This has been the most interesting year of my life. The highs were highs and the lows nearly broke me. The great thing is, I’m still standing.
So many people have lost their lives this year and I don’t know if there was ever a true mourning period given the fast and furious succession of the losses. Not all losses were so deeply personal and close to home but there have been a few that have rocked me to my core and made me investigate a future where they will not be there. It changes you and makes you look at your own life and wonder what have you done to make an impact on this world?
Everyday I look around and see history in the making. We are part of a story unfolding that will be told for generations to come and I wonder, how do you want to be remembered? What impact are you making now on the world, or even your own family and is it going to leave a positive or negative legacy for those to hear about long after you are gone?
2020 is a year no one will EVER forget. It is the start of a new decade. It is the year of a global pandemic. It is the year of an unprecedented presidential election along with subsequential state and local elections attached. It is the year we watched a black man murdered on video by a cop and said, ENOUGH, and began to fight systemic racism in a whole new form. 2020 is not your average year. It has caused you to review everything about yourself and about your life and make changes. Some were forced and others were voluntary. Death, hunger, and homelessness decided to show up in a major way when it has been here all along. It forced us to look at ourselves as individuals and decide who we are and who we want to be.
In 2020, did you do anything to fight systemic racism? Whether you are Black, Brown, or other, as a decent human being, seeing video after video, was it too much for you? HOW DO YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED? Did you participate in any of the local or state elections? Your vote matters. What happens to this country matters. Are you okay with the choices being decided for you or did you try and have your voice heard? HOW DO YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED? Have you worn your mask, washed your hands and practiced social distancing to keep not only yourself but those that you love safe during this global pandemic which is real? Or do you believe it’s a hoax and people are dying/disappearing so that the government can get more money? HOW DO YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED? Have you reached out to help a neighbor/friend/stranger, who may be struggling, perhaps they lost their job or need a little extra food to get by? Maybe you are the one who needs a helping hand. Have you told anyone and not suffered in silence? HOW DO YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED?
Standing on the sidelines ignoring the obvious hurt and pain of others is not an option. We are in this together. Even if you are in your own pain. I started this out by mentioning my migraines. I suffer and some days they are bad. Truth is, I would rather have a migraine, than a broken heart. I could not in my good conscience sit by and do nothing in 2020, 2021 and beyond when there is so much to be done. I know I can’t do everything, and that is why I have a team around me for the big stuff. I just don’t ever want to look back over my life and think, wow, I had the opportunity to make a difference, and I didn’t. Sometimes, all it takes is a phone call to check in on someone.
What’s your legacy going to be? How do you want to be remembered? Will you be complacent, or will you get involved?
I love you all!
Be Safe
SIP A.B.!

Have a safe and enjoyable weekend! We will get back to chatting next weekend. I’m resting and I hope you are doing the same!

Love you all!

This morning I am reflecting on my family. I had a dream last night James Bond style which involved one of my cousins and my mother and I woke up thinking about all the people I love who I call my family. It’s not just my blood relatives, I have bonus children, bonus siblings, bonus cousins, and friends who are close like siblings, but we share no DNA.
It’s not lost that this is the kick-off to the holiday season with Thanksgiving being right around the corner. My siblings and I had planned on getting together with our children however with the rise in the Covid-19 cases we exceed 10 people. It will not happen, and it makes my heart hurt.
My bonus children are in town and I cannot spend time with them. They are here for reasons outside the normal visits and due to COVID-19 I must be cautious and maintain a safe distance. I also must allow for them to take care of the business at hand that brought them into town and that makes my heart hurt.
I received an invitation to my cousin’s 50th birthday party which is next month. I love my cousin, and these are the “fun” cousins to be around. I do believe the state restrictions and restaurant shutdowns will dictate how that ends however given my own personal underlying conditions and the rise in the COVID-19 cases, I hadn’t confirmed yet I was attending. That makes my heart hurt.
I have 2 friends from high school. One male and one female. I call them my brother and my sister. We are close like triplets. We group chat and make every effort to get together and stay connected. Since the pandemic has started, we have not gotten together although we catch up on a regular basis. I miss their faces. It may be another half year or more before I can see them and that makes my heart hurt.
Even though she is not family, my boss is moving to another state and we have been remote since March. I offered to help her finish packing up the light stuff 😊 so that we could spend an afternoon together before she left. She is a friend and an avid supporter of mine who has been instrumental in my career development over the past few years. The risk of going to seeing her now would be too much and that makes my heart hurt. She is moving on the other side of the country but there is nothing I can do. COVID-19 is real.
My point is this pandemic is real. Covid-19 is still real. Now is not the time to get lax. We all want to see our family and friends and may feel tempted to throw caution to the wind. Once your life is gone, you cannot get it back. Don’t go out there thinking you will be the exception. The virus does not care who you are or what your plans are.
In the past 3 weeks, the virus has come closer to me than I feel comfortable with. People that I know who have been practicing social distancing and washing their hands while masking up found themselves testing positive. What that tells me is that we still do not have a great sense on how dangerous this virus is and how easily it can be spread. With the best efforts, they still contracted it.
There are no do-overs. Wear your mask! Wash your hands! Stay at Home! Spend Thanksgiving and the remaining holidays with the ones in your household. Perhaps you can add a trusted few if you have been interacting with them all along. Do not gamble with your health for a few hours of family time. Plan on a lifetime of getting on each other’s nerves. It will be worth it!
I love you. Until next time, be safe…!

Which American are you? It has been 11 days since we all voted in the most historic election of our lifetime. More people voted on November 3rd, 2020 than ever before. 72,770,766 voted for the current white house resident. 78,142,360 voted for his opponent, Joe Biden. America has spoken and spoken loudly!
What has been troubling since November 3rd is the countless, baseless claims of voter fraud. One side feels that the other side is stealing the election with “illegal” and “fraudulent” votes. Votes that were cast through mail in ballots or absentee ballots. Statistically those votes overwhelming favor the Democratic Party while same day voting favors the Republicans so I can see why the Republicans were scared.
Millions of individuals played it safe. We mailed in or dropped off our ballots this year. There is a uncontrolled pandemic out there whereas of this morning, there are 10.8 million cases and 245,555 deaths. An alarming trend of increased cases has been happening over the past few days. This is not unexpected if you have been paying attention all along. We were told it would get worse before it gets better and that the fall would show an increase. We want to live and see democracy realign while the average supporter on the other side does not believe the pandemic is real and chooses to ignore what is happening right in front of their faces.
There is so much to unpack that I hardly know which direction to bring this in. Which American are you? Let’s talk about the American people who are constantly being referred to in the news media depending on the news source you are watching. Are you the American people who have spoken and decided that the current president is our savior and has had the election stolen from him and he should continue to fight for what is his? These American people, 72 million of them, have made their choice and decided that money is the greatest motivator. Money, power, racism, xenophobia, disrespect of our military, disrespect, and assault (proven) of women and the list goes on. This is what 72 million people said they wanted. Over 60% do not have access to 401(k) plans and the stock market so I suspect some of his other fine qualities appealed to them.
The “other” American people, the 78 million, the ones who stood in line for 8 hours or more to vote, or had to drive 3-4 hours to a polling station because the number of polling stations were reduced in their area, or had ballot boxes removed, are they not American? I mean, these are overwhelming Black and Brown individuals who are once again being targeted and told their voices don’t matter. Their votes don’t count. It is voter suppression at its best. All because they did what was best for themselves and their families by staying home during a raging pandemic to protect those whom they love around them. The virus disproportionally affects the Black and Brown communities as well in areas of poor health (diabetes/high blood pressure/obesity), inability to socially distant, limited health care and economic failure.
The hope for the future that will ease the anxiety of today is that the new administration will look at ALL the AMERICANS that voted and find a common thread to weave this country back together. It is not going to be easy and it is not going to happen overnight. It will take time, perhaps decades to undo the DIVIDE of what is the UNITED STATES of America. I’m willing to do my share.
We begin by humbly accepting defeat. We also graciously accept the “win”. A win for one is not a win if it does not benefit all. It may feel good to give someone back what they gave you what 4 years ago when your candidate lost but we will never heal if we don’t take a small step towards each other. Ask yourself, which American am I? The answer should be, the same as you!
Let’s start talking and getting rid of those elephants!
Have a blessed day!