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Mother’s Day Blues
It’s Mother’s Day. I’m a mother, yet it is now the fifth year that I don’t
feel like celebrating. I’m wondering if I’m the only one that is suffering from
these blues. My daughter is amazing. Even better than that, I have 2 bonus
daughters who I have a great relationship with so me being a mom is not the
issue. It was the loss of my own mother that sent me into a depression that I
now have come to call Mother’s Day Blues.
My mother truly was one of my closest allies. I talked to her every day,
several times a day. I saw her perhaps 6 days out of 7. Voluntarily. She died from
cancer in 2015. From diagnosis to death there was maybe 10 weeks. I had a lot
of issues going on at that time that included my own health, a restructuring of
my home and a college student at her crossroads. Even today, I’m not sure if I
even took the time to fully mourn the loss of a presence that was so big and
important in my everyday life.
I had to wake up every day the day after she passed and move on as if a HUGE
part of my life hadn’t changed. MY daughter was counting on me and in a lot of
ways, I failed. Christmas at our house was cancelled. I no longer enjoyed doing
the things that normally included my mom and it hit me that I was cheating my
own child out of special moments with me because I was having a hard time
processing my grief.
Today, I am rethinking how I view Mother’s Day. Mothers are the foundation
of the world. We are the cornerstone of the family. I have told my daughter
that I will be better in considering how she feels in celebrating HER mom,
while doing my best to keep my mother’s memories alive. I will not allow the
loss of my mother be an anchor that keeps me from appreciating and receiving
love from those who are able to give it to me in the present day.
6 replies on “Mother’s Day Blues”
Recently I asked a question in bible study that defines the foundation of the nuclear family. As a mom, as a senior, when the roles are reversed, would I be content with my child treating me the way I treated them growing up? The questions demands provocative thought. Given my childhood, I made the choice to do two things; treat mom better and set a minimum standard moving forward with my children. While I believe I may have managed it successfully, each Mother’s Day is a reminder of what was missing in my life. Such reflection causes me to sometimes not be truly grateful for the efforts my children make to love on and appreciate me. I recognized this last year and I am more intentional in appreciating that the things we value and acknowledging the things we lacked in a being mother and child. It has helped me to be the mother I can be proud of. Having lost a child around Mother’s Day doesn’t help. However, we must all find our levels of contentment. You are making a wonderful first step in acknowledgement what is present now. It can never take away what was lost, but it can help you cope and concentrate on making new memories with your children. This is year two with my intentionality, but I remain optimistic!
There are so many layers to what you said especially with our history. I mourn our mother, and I mourn the children I don’t have through loss and then even deeper than that I mourn the children that I wanted but couldn’t have because of my health. I INTENTIONALLY had to make a decision to say no more. The children that are here think I’m pretty ok (better than ok) LOL and they deserve to have someone present and engaged. This mother’s day I spent time with my daughter. It was a day like all other days. She loved on me and appreciated me for who I am to her everyday. My bonus children reached out. I realized that I don’t want to take away their time with me moping around any longer. If this pandemic has taught me anything, it is that time is precious and should not be wasted. I love my daughters and I am grateful to be a Mom and Stepmom and celebrate Mother’s Day’s with children who love and appreciate ME!
I truly understand. August will make 7 years since my mom passed. I think of her every day but days such as this makes it really hard. Today has been different for me though. As this is my first Mother’s Day being a mom I chose not to be sad but enjoy the life God has blessed me with. I am surrounded by my moms art work in my home and I see her in my son eyes and certain facial expressions he makes. Overall I know she is with me in spirit and so I hold onto that and all of the memories she left behind.
Congratulations on celebrating your first Mother’s Day! You made a major point in which became my focus this year and really helped me turn things around. It is obvious I will always miss the love and connection I had with my mom on a daily basis however I made a conscience decision this year to focus on the more positive side of things and be grateful for the times we had. My daughter will be 25 this year. She has so many mannerisms of my mom that make me laugh and I enjoy it. I’m going forward looking at the blessing of life and not the downfall of death. Thank you for sharing and God Bless you and that beautiful baby!
I read this post on Mother’s Day and tears rolled down my face. I had to wait a few days before I posted. I felt like you verbalized things I couldn’t put together. Since Mommy passed all of those special days like her birthday, Mother’s Day…heck even the anniversary of her death always have me feeling fuzzy.
I don’t practice enough self care and I have low key chastised the kids when they want to spoil me. It is hard for me to just accept their love and appreciation like that. This Mother’s Day, it really hit me that I offend them when I tell them not to spoil me. Sooo, I will just say thank you, I love my pressure cooker!
The only difference with our stories is that I try to replicate what Mommy would have done for all holidays/birthdays. It helps me to continue what she would have done and make them happy.
Thank you sharing. I realized when writing the post that so many of us who had wonderful Moms and wonderful children were having a hard time of finding the balance in enjoying the day for ourselves and keeping the memories alive. We can do both! I encourage you to incorporate some of your Mother’s traditions into your life but also create some of your own. That is part of the healing and growing. This way, if you feel like you didn’t replicate something 100% (The Aries way of thinking) you don’t feel disappointed and moved to go back to mourning. Celebrate! Celebrate! Celebrate!